My partner doesn’t want to get out of the closet

My partner doesn’t want to get out of the closet

By: Angélica Rangel

You will surely remember that, when you decided to come out of the closet and reveal to others your homosexuality, the sense of freedom was indescribable due to your initial fear of being able to do so, and because the fear of rejection by your relatives led you to postpone the decision. This is why when you're looking for a loving relationship, you probably want your partner to live the same normality you already enjoy, but it's important to keep in mind that we all have our times and live our processes differently.

You might consider the following suggestions if your partner isn't in the same situation as you.

  1. Be patient. Help him/her understand that every human being’s process in recognizing his/her sexual identity is different; that his/her case is extraordinary in some way and implies greater courage. At first it will cause chaos, but eventually naturality will arise when the rigidity of family criteria and groups of friends make way to acceptance of sexual status and focus on the essence of the person.
  2. Speak. Maintaining good communication based on openness and not reproach will give them the opportunity to identify the real reason for the decision. Sadly, homophobia and radical moral criteria remain as behavioral patterns and stereotypes in some families. Fear of being rejected, beaten, or labelled are scary situations.
  3. Assess what fractures the relationship less: the cause why our partner does not want to reveal him/herself or the discomfort involved in staying in the dark. Once an option is chosen, resentments should be set aside, since both are free to decide.
  4. Learn to accompany instead of forcing. It is important to be empathetic to your partner in those hours when the subject is uncomfortably retaken, in moments of tears and anxiety, and learn to put reproaches aside to dedicate yourself to enjoy his/her company.

Let us remember that all couples must work together and support each other when looking for the relationship to mature in love. However, it is necessary to recognize the extent to which we will endure as long as the relationship stays afloat, because we often exhaust our resources by being patient, loyal and
unconditional, but our partner remains paralyzed and no effort is fruiting. Where everything has been tried, all that remains is to say “thank you”.

Let us rejoice knowing that we are not responsible for the uncertainty, doubts, and fears of others, and that the love we have for our partner should not be greater than the one we have for ourselves. 1

1 Levithan, D. (2016). Boy meets boy. Alfaguara Juvenil.

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